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Yesterday morning, before awakening to you putting on your socks and getting ready to leave for work, I had the most lovely dream. I refused to tell you out loud because of reasons. But I feel as though writing it down will help extract it from my head and let me move on to other thoughts.

We went to the courthouse and were married. It was full of sweetness and happiness and love. Then we met your brother for a meal at a diner and since we had eloped, he was the first person to hear the news. He was so happy for us and you were so happy for us and I was, too.

And that is what breaks my heart. He won’t be there whenever it happens. He won’t be there to hold our future children or to visit us on vacation or to play Halo 3 with you.

And that sucks. It’s unfair. It’s downright tragic. But it is what it is and there’s no changing it so we have to live with it and all I can do is be there to comfort you when you’re sad.

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what is it

about first kisses

that make such an impression

what is it

about last kisses

that leaves such a gaping hole

what is it

about the power

that kisses continue to have

over my poor heart

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here is a list of names i like in particular:

(this is really just for my future reference – some are family names, others are names of favorite characters from literature or lyrics, maybe they’ll be my future children, maybe they’ll be something else entirely – i don’t know yet, i’m just fond of them)





medie (remedios)





to be added onto when i think of more…

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my resolutions

  1. i refuse to let myself take anything at work personally, unless it’s a good thing, then that’s just confirmation of my awesomeness
  2. i will only allow myself to fall in love with someone if they intend to allow themselves to fall in love with me right back.  never again shall i convince myself that something’s a good idea with the thought that someday, maybe not now, maybe not soon even, but someday he will love me back.
  3. i will read 50 books.  2010 was a valiant effort for the first half of the year, so hopefully 2011 won’t let me lose steam…
  4. continue to run with the puppy.  it’s amazing to see such huge results from such a small lifestyle change.  and i’m only getting started.
  5. make more art.  the portfolio i’ll need to create if i ever hope to apprentice in a tattoo shop.  the graphic novel i have in my head.  the series of drawings/paintings/photographs i’ve been working on since this time last year.  the quilts i have fabric and patterns for.  every idea for a piece of art that pops into my brain.  i need to create them all.
  6. re-learn the guitar.  i taught myself to play ten years ago, and now that i’m more interested in penning my own tunes than strumming along to don mclean songs, i think i’m in dire need of an accompanying instrument.  i’ll totally need to re-learn all those don mclean songs, too, though…
  7. be less personal in my internet output.  if i have a bad day, i should write about it in my journal.  if i have a great day, i should write about it in my journal.  if i feel like writing a poem, sharing non-specific thoughts and feelings, or passing along a song that’s stuck in my head, i’ll post that online somewhere.
  8. eat more tofu.  i have been a very unhealthy vegetarian in the past couple months.  i need to get back to being an awesome vegetarian who cooks all her meals.
  9. stop falling in love with men who are not available to be fallen in love with.  seriously, this is something that must stop.
  10. smoke more, drink less, be happier.
  11. follow my new year’s resolutions.

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i feel as if

i’m a question mark


for an answer

i feel as if

it will be forever


until i find out


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am i sabotaging myself

by trying out something new

or am i sabotaging this

something new

by worrying about myself

and when i refer

to myself

i think i am really

referring to him

or us

and for some strange reason

it doesn’t bother me

at all

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a few months ago, i was blissfully happy and my life was on track.  then i was derailed.  and it sucked.

but now i’m back on track and the best part about being content with your life as a single girl, with a puppy and a job and a great apartment and wonderful friends, is that bam! suddenly you’re content but no longer a single girl.

every time at about this time i could go on and on about how wonderful everything is at this very moment and how maybe, just maybe this time it will last.  and then every time, up until now anyway, something goes awry and all those wonderful feelings and thoughts disappear, they transform into bitterness and cynicism.

so this time, i’m not going to gush about how wonderful i feel, or how nice this one is, or how his kisses make me melt into a helpless puddle of infatuation and desire.  no, i don’t want to jinx it by telling the world how comforting it feels to fall asleep in his arms or how comfortable this transition from strangers to lovers has been, how easy it is to see myself caring so much for this man in such a short time.


i won’t jinx it.

not this time.

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